Stacking Poker Chips: The Secret to Raising Confident Kids

Introduction

Self-esteem is crucial to a child's emotional and psychological well-being. It influences how they see themselves, interact socially, and handle challenges. A few years ago, I came across an educator, Richard Lavoie (2018), who introduced the Poker Chip Theory—an analogy comparing self-esteem to a collection of poker chips. Children with more poker chips feel confident and resilient, while those with fewer are more vulnerable. How can we, as parents, ensure that we add chips to a child's pile rather than take them away?

Understanding Self-Esteem in Children

Children begin life with a set amount of poker chips, representing their self-worth. These chips increase or decrease depending on their daily experiences. For example, a child who successfully solves a complex problem or makes a new friend gains more chips, while a child who struggles with reading or faces social rejection may lose chips (Harter, 2012). How can we better understand and nurture a child's self-esteem by recognizing the impact of their daily interactions and actively working to build their poker chip supply?

Many parents often ask me why their child does not seem to try again after succeeding in a task. Even when they have performed well before, they avoid giving it another go. The answer lies in how their experiences influence their self-esteem. A child with low self-esteem or fewer poker chips may not feel confident enough to face the task again, even if they succeeded before. The emotional weight of their perceived failure or anxiety can overshadow their previous success, making it harder to try again (Baumeister & Tierney, 2011). Indeed, emotions play a crucial role in shaping self-esteem!

Self-esteem not only affects childhood experiences but also plays a role in future success and opportunities. Research has shown that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to have lower labor market participation, while improvements in self-esteem are linked to increased work participation (Deng et al., 2023). This underscores the importance of fostering confidence and resilience in children from an early age.

What Can Parents and Educators Do to Add More Poker Chips to Children?

Parents and educators are the key to building children's self-esteem by intentionally adding poker chips. Here are some ways to do this:

• Praise effort, not just outcomes: Acknowledge hard work and perseverance to foster a growth mindset and increase the willingness to try again (Dweck, 2006).

• Celebrate strengths: Recognize and value what a child excels at to reinforce their confidence.

• Create a supportive environment: Children thrive when they feel safe expressing themselves without fear of harsh judgment (Rosenberg, 1965).

• Model self-confidence: Demonstrating resilience in our own challenges teaches children how to handle setbacks gracefully.

What Factors Drain or Take Away the Children's Poker Chips, Lowering Their Self-Esteem?

Several factors can drain a child's poker chips, lowering their self-esteem. These include:

• Negative feedback from adults: Harsh criticism or unrealistic expectations can make children doubt their abilities (Harter, 2012).

• Peer rejection or bullying: Struggles with friendships can heavily affect confidence.

• Self-doubt: Some children focus too much on failures rather than recognizing their progress (Baumeister & Tierney, 2011).

• Learning difficulties or disabilities: Without adequate support, academic or social struggles can lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Children who already start with fewer chips—such as those with learning differences—need extra encouragement to build their self-worth (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

How Can We Build Resilience?

Resilience helps children hold onto their poker chips, even during tough times. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been widely recognized for strengthening resilience and enhancing self-esteem across different populations, including those experiencing anxiety or depression (Kolubinski et al., 2018). By incorporating CBT-based strategies, parents and educators can play an active role in fostering resilience. Here is how:

• Teach self-efficacy: Help children recognize their ability to overcome obstacles by challenging self-doubt and reinforcing their past successes—key components of CBT that cultivate a strong belief in oneself (Dweck, 2006).

• Identify strengths and weaknesses: Encourage children to focus on their strengths while acknowledging areas for growth. CBT techniques like cognitive restructuring can help reframe setbacks as opportunities to improve.

• Develop stress-relief strategies: Equip children with coping skills such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation, commonly used in CBT to manage stress and maintain confidence.

• Encourage external support: Positive relationships with family, teachers, and mentors create a strong network of support that reinforces self-esteem. CBT interventions often emphasize social support as a buffer against negative thinking patterns (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

Conclusion

Children's experiences and interactions shape their self-esteem, which we either add to or remove from their poker chips every moment. By fostering a supportive environment, recognizing their strengths, and teaching resilience, we help children build a solid foundation of self-worth that will carry them through life's challenges. Let us be mindful of how we contribute to their self-esteem, ensuring they always have enough poker chips to face the world confidently.worth.

About the Author

Ryan Yam, Psy.D.

Licensed Educational Psychologist and founder of Dual Minds Psychology. Dr. Yam specializes in ADHD treatment, executive functioning skill development, and culturally sensitive care for children and adolescents.

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Tierney, J. (2011). Willpower: Rediscovering the greatest human strength. Penguin Press.

Deng, X., Li, X., Zhou, Y., Zhu, H., & Liang, Y. (2023). The relationship between self-esteem and labor market participation: A qualitative study. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 144(3), 103-117.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Harter, S. (2012). The construction of the self: Developmental and sociocultural foundations. Guilford Press.

Kolubinski, D. C., Frings, D., Nikčević, A. V., Lawrence, J. A., & Spada, M. M. (2018). Cognitive behavioral therapy for self-esteem: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 59, 93-101.

Lavoie, R. (2018). The motivation breakthrough: 6 secrets to turning on the tuned-out child. Touchstone.

Rosenberg, M. (1965). Society and the adolescent self-image. Princeton University Press.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.