Who Taught You Right and Wrong? A Fun Dive Into How Kids—and Grown-Ups—Make Moral Choices

As parents and educators, we often talk about helping children “do the right thing.” But what does that really mean?

Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg studied how humans grow in moral reasoning—not just what choices we make, but why those choices feel right or wrong.

One important insight is this:

Moral development does not stop in childhood. Adults can continue growing throughout their lives.

Below is a simple explanation of the three levels of moral development, with reflection questions and a gentle note on how culture and life experiences shape the way we think.

1. Pre-Conventional Level (Typically Ages 4–10)

At this stage, moral reasoning is based on consequences—avoiding punishment or earning rewards.

Typical Thought Patterns

• “I don’t want to get in trouble.”

• “If I follow the rules, I get something good.”

• “If no one sees, maybe it’s okay?”

Reflection Questions

• Children: Does my child act differently when adults aren’t watching?

• Adults: Are some of my decisions still influenced by fear, convenience, or personal gain?

2. Conventional Level (Most Adolescents & Adults)

Here, moral reasoning centers on social rules, expectations, and maintaining relationships. Many caring, responsible adults spend most of their lives here.

Typical Thought Patterns

• “Good people follow the rules.”

• “This is what my community expects.”

• “I want to be seen as responsible.”

Reflection Questions

• Children: Is my child motivated by belonging, approval, or wanting to be part of the group?

• Adults: How often do I rely on tradition or social norms to decide what’s right?

3. Post-Conventional Level (Some Adults Reach This)

This level focuses on internal moral principles—compassion, fairness, justice, dignity, and long-term societal well-being.

People in this stage may question rules when they seem unfair or outdated.

Typical Thought Patterns

• “What is the most ethical choice, even if it’s difficult?”

• “Just because it’s a rule doesn’t mean it’s always right.”

• “My values guide my decisions, even when no one is watching.”

Reflection Questions

• Children: Do they question fairness or show empathy beyond themselves?

• Adults: Do I explore the deeper reasons behind an issue, not just the rule itself?

A Gentle Note on Culture and Moral Learning

While the stages themselves are universal, culture influences how children learn right from wrong.

For example:

• Many Asian families emphasize respect, family roles, and group harmony.

• Many Western families emphasize independence and forming personal viewpoints early on.

Neither approach is “better”—they simply shape the way children express moral thinking at each stage.

How Different Stages View the Same Situation

Let’s look at a real-life example to make this clearer:

Example: A person who uses drugs or commits a crime

Pre-Conventional View:

• “They broke the rule and will get punished.”

Conventional View:

• “This is wrong because it violates laws and social expectations.”

• Focus is on maintaining order and safety.

Post-Conventional View:

• “Their behavior is harmful—but why did this happen?”

• They still view the behavior as wrong but also consider:

  • Poverty

  • Trauma

  • Mental health issues

  • Whether the current system supports recovery

• The goal is not to excuse the behavior but to understand root causes and work toward solutions that reduce harm.

Each stage sees the same situation differently—and each perspective has value.

Can Adults Keep Growing Morally? Absolutely.

Even as adults, our moral thinking can deepen and expand.

Growth doesn’t mean abandoning tradition—it simply means adding more reflection.

Ways to Encourage Moral Growth

• Reflect on your “why.” Why does something feel right or wrong?

• Seek multiple perspectives. Understanding others expands empathy.

• Model integrity. Children learn more from our actions than our words.

• Discuss real situations. Bring fairness, justice, and compassion into everyday conversations.

Final Thoughts

Kohlberg’s stages help us understand our children’s development—and also our own.

Your culture, upbringing, family values, and life experiences all shape how you understand right and wrong.

By recognizing these influences, you can guide your child with more clarity—and continue your own moral growth throughout adulthood.

If you’d like support understanding your child’s moral development or fostering reflection at home, Dual Minds Psychology is here to help your family.

📞 Contact  Dr. Ryan Yam at Dual Minds Psychology to schedule a consultation.

About the Author

Ryan Yam, Psy.D. - Licensed Educational Psychologist (LEP4497) and founder of Dual Minds Psychology. Dr. Yam specializes in ADHD treatment, executive functioning skill development, and culturally sensitive care for children and adolescents.